I burnt myself out last semester in my attempt to write interesting material for this blog. Naturally, I found no satisfaction in it – because I have no readers. That is fine, and even appropriate. The primary purpose of this blog is twofold: So I can practice my writing, and so I have at least a tiny urge to do interesting things with my time. Of course, I’m not using a very formal writing style and I barely give half a thought to the next sentence I type, but at least it keeps the gears turning.
I felt like a trapped animal last semester (my first semester at a new university). I didn’t do anything worthy of writing down or retelling – I spent my time alone, twiddling my thumbs. I live near a city, but it isn’t a very safe city. Even if I had some place in mind that I wanted to visit or some adventure I felt compelled to begin, I never feel completely comfortable driving to strange places around this city. I don’t really have any friends, so a lot of activities seem lame without amiable company. Truthfully, I don’t really like people all that much. I feel especially adversarial towards my fellow university students. I have a lot of excuses like these.
By the middle of last semester I found myself resigned to average grades, late nights, and drinking on weekdays. My world was pretty colorless, so to speak.
I would like this semester to be different. I am taking a small number of classes – mostly classes I think I will enjoy. I have been applying for jobs, and not only because I need the money – which I do. ‘A busy mind is a happy mind’, they say – and I’ve decided I think too much. I’ve spent countless hours over the past two years mentally chasing my tail. It has been a combination of self-pity and failed attempts to draw conclusions about the world. The world is so bizarre, and I can’t seem to make heads or tails of it. So I’ve decided I need to think less – be less stoic all the time. I want to fill my waking hours with experiences that exercise my mind and bring me to new places, but experiences that don’t force me to draw conclusions about the real world. So I’ve been reading a lot, and listening to a lot of audio-books. It is a good way to keep the mind unaware of itself.
In any case, I am fiddling with some new ways to live this semester. If I can muster the focus, I will write some short stories and likely post them here.