To satiate my current hunger for Audrey Hepburn films, I watched Roman Holiday and Sabrina over the last two nights.  I very much enjoyed Roman Holiday.  It resonated with me for some reason. Sabrina, not so much.  Still a decent film, but the first half of the film is surprisingly frustrating to watch.

Anyhow,

There is so much to do, and so little time.  Still, the harder I push for something in life the faster I burn out.  Sometimes I wonder if I won’t be struggling against the tide for my entire life, reach the end, and have nothing to show for my troubles.  This is probably my greatest fear – to put all this energy into creating something, to pour out everything and find that it wasn’t enough.  I think of how pointless life is if luck is the only thing that will determine success.  I try not to fall into that line of thought, however.  Far too cynical, defeatist.  If I find that I cannot enjoy something – if I’m so focused on the final product, I stop.

Finding joy in the process of things lowers the risk of it all being for nothing.

 

It’s unpleasant for me to do things that I find unpleasant, unsurprisingly.

I’ve begun to realize how important it is that you can enjoy the process of things, and not just the end results.  I’ve found that if I can’t enjoy writing a song, or a story, or any piece of creative work, then I am unlikely to be satisfied with the final product.  If I’m not enjoying the process, I probably won’t even complete it.  That isn’t to say that there is isn’t energy and hard work involved, but if it always feels like a chore – if the only positive thing I can see is the end result – than I’m doing something wrong.

It’s true for life as well.  My motto for the past couple years has been “Go hard of go home”.  Living by that motto, but not enjoying life at all, is a good way to burn yourself out.  Last semester, I felt like a bitter old man at just twenty-two.  Cynical, unhappy, pessimistic, full of regrets and complaints.  These days, however, I try to catch myself before I slip into that well of despair and self-pity.  I remember to enjoy where I am right now.  It costs me nothing to switch attitudes mid-thought.  It doesn’t take much energy, just a little inner-vigilance to keep watch.  Something I am really beginning to believe is that if I can’t be content right now, when am I going to be content?  I’ve already reached some of my goals – places where I thought I would finally feel peace and satisfaction, but I didn’t feel anything except for the urge to do more.

You don’t have to trade anything for contentment.  You’re not giving up success or personal ambition and drive.  If anything, being content and finding joy where you are will clear the air and light your path.

———-

On a different note, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia begins anew tonight, so that should be great.  I had intended the watch Cool Hand Luke and fill out job applications, but I suppose I can put those off until tomorrow…again.  A water-main recently exploded in my apartment due to the excessive cold.  The only possessions of mine damaged were a few books (which I’m still going to try and get reimbursement for).  I’ve had some very intense, and very noisy dehumidifier equipment in my room.  Finally, however, the repairs are done and the walls are dry and I can be a hermit in peace once more.  No more random people barging into my room (it worries my that random people have keys to my room) while I’m napping to check the drywall’s water level!