Cynicism

Living next to a city isn’t very fun when the few friends you have don’t ever go outside.  There is so much to see and do – museums, aquariums, memorials, landmarks, concerts, plays, etc.  The more time I spend being a hermit in my room, the dimmer and more dreary my life grows.  Sometimes I just go out alone and see what there is to see, but I rarely enjoy it much.  I don’t like spending that much time with my own mind.  Thinking too much – being far too stoic – is a real problem for me.  The more time I spend with my own mind, the more likely I am to lead myself down a dreary path. I have an inner-slant towards cynicism.

Cynicism is a poison.  I could write for hours about the negative effects of cynicism in my life.  It so heavily influences day-to-day decisions and attitudes that it can spread rot over every part your life when left unchecked.  Letting cynicism reign free is like never cleaning your teeth – people will start falling out of your life…just like your teeth would if you didn’t brush them.  

Anywho, tonight on the roster is Roman Holiday, Hepburn’s first big film!  I’m gonna sit down with a cool glass of gin, fill out job applications, and watch this film.

 

 

It’s unpleasant for me to do things that I find unpleasant, unsurprisingly.

I’ve begun to realize how important it is that you can enjoy the process of things, and not just the end results.  I’ve found that if I can’t enjoy writing a song, or a story, or any piece of creative work, then I am unlikely to be satisfied with the final product.  If I’m not enjoying the process, I probably won’t even complete it.  That isn’t to say that there is isn’t energy and hard work involved, but if it always feels like a chore – if the only positive thing I can see is the end result – than I’m doing something wrong.

It’s true for life as well.  My motto for the past couple years has been “Go hard of go home”.  Living by that motto, but not enjoying life at all, is a good way to burn yourself out.  Last semester, I felt like a bitter old man at just twenty-two.  Cynical, unhappy, pessimistic, full of regrets and complaints.  These days, however, I try to catch myself before I slip into that well of despair and self-pity.  I remember to enjoy where I am right now.  It costs me nothing to switch attitudes mid-thought.  It doesn’t take much energy, just a little inner-vigilance to keep watch.  Something I am really beginning to believe is that if I can’t be content right now, when am I going to be content?  I’ve already reached some of my goals – places where I thought I would finally feel peace and satisfaction, but I didn’t feel anything except for the urge to do more.

You don’t have to trade anything for contentment.  You’re not giving up success or personal ambition and drive.  If anything, being content and finding joy where you are will clear the air and light your path.

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On a different note, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia begins anew tonight, so that should be great.  I had intended the watch Cool Hand Luke and fill out job applications, but I suppose I can put those off until tomorrow…again.  A water-main recently exploded in my apartment due to the excessive cold.  The only possessions of mine damaged were a few books (which I’m still going to try and get reimbursement for).  I’ve had some very intense, and very noisy dehumidifier equipment in my room.  Finally, however, the repairs are done and the walls are dry and I can be a hermit in peace once more.  No more random people barging into my room (it worries my that random people have keys to my room) while I’m napping to check the drywall’s water level!